It could be worse, right?

My mind can't withstand what I did. I'm such a stupid individual. My heart can't take the fact that things changed. It lacks the initiative to do anything. At least anything that is good for it. I love and I grieve. I cannot withstand the pain. I feel like I'm living in a fantasy world. I want, need, and deserve what I already had. Why does it hurt so much? Why do I hurt so much? This pain, these tears, and the emotion relapses. I want it to all go away. I want the pain to go away. I want to not understand why I did what I did. But when it cuts so deep, you begin to fully be aware and completely understand. I hate that I understand the pain I'm going through. The actions I did because of the pain was too much for me to bare. Oh, but it only made it worse. I feel sadder. I feel like I've lost my soul. I feel like I substituted the pain for something worse. A monster. I am a monster to my eyes. I am an indecisive fool that'll probably leave you awing for nothing more. I am nothing more to you than a memory. To me, you are a painting that I'm willing to overview a thousand times because you always leave be breathless. It sounds so cliche but I love you. I always will. Regardless of the person you have become, I will love you. It hurts. This pain I feel when I am not even capable of viewing you. You are nothing but memory. Nothing but a soul that drifted away from my heart. It hurts. This pain. This memory. This once everything to me.

I close my eyes shut.

I view images of things that are remote. I feel distance. I feel anticipation of the unknown. I see clearly when I inhale. I am in solitude. I perceive in a light of nothing unless it's my own. I am not humble nor am I modest. I can be a bit childish. I am me. I am thinking what my mind wants to think. I wish nothing more from this world than to know. I want to gain a better understanding of everything this world can offer. I need to be capable of many things. I am human like everybody else, physically and mentally, related to me. I hurt with every given pain. I laugh, cry, and speak. I can be coy and charismatic. I can love and be love in return. - To be continued.

Sometimes you just want to disregard the obvious because it'll be easier for you.

There are moments in life where everything seems to be too perfect to be true. You want to acknowledge the obvious but there are certain things that hold you back or simply you hold back. What is it that we want to know and the length we are willing to go for to reach it? What exactly is it that makes us so scared? The truth is right in front of our eyes but we tend to sway from the obvious to live a life that we can stand. The terms that we acknowledge as “alright” but never ever “great.” What exactly is our motives to not completely fulfill our lives with “greatness” without a ploy to stick to the norm. Maybe, with every greatness comes responsibilities but that's not enough of an answer for me. I want to know why is it we sway from the obvious when we see it clearly stated in front of us? Why do we live up to the terms of “alright” rather than “great?” Is it because we fear what we don't know? Is it because normality is best suited for the ones who wait? No one wants to dive in a pool full money without knowing the precautions, right? Well, sometimes I wonder what if I took the chance to dive into a pool of money and maybe swim with a couple of tiger sharks in the long run. The excitement is there and a story can unfold. But really, overall this commotion, why are we so scared of what we don't know, what we can't have, and what is waiting for us? Life is beginning with every unknowing step... Something spectacular can happen. Something so different. Something that can be beyond great. Why then, oh why are we scared?

Curiosity killed the cat.

I felt the silence fill the car as the cool afternoon breeze played along my hair. Soon after, my tears quickly vanished and I was left with moist cheeks. I had an inclination to bite on my bottom lip so I could stop myself from hearing sadden groans.
I continued to drive what seemed to be an endless road to no where. There was period with no relief and no feeling, just a continuation of lines being said and not said in my mind. A conversation that I thought was bound to evaporate and we'd be back to normal. But little did I know, it would continue to be attuned in my mind until later that evening when I fell dead asleep.
It was half past five and we never got back to normal. Normality wasn't even close to where we both stood that late afternoon. I was far beyond your reach and you were unknowing and alone. You called, you texted and I was neither for a conversation with the likes of you. With every buzz my phone made, I accelerated and felt further from your reach. I wanted to not hear you and not know you existed.
During that late afternoon, you were known to me as a man capable of daunting me in many forms of my reality. Without rational thought, I wanted to get rid of you just because it felt right. Your words seemed to repeat all throughout the ride like a broken recorder in my mind. I detested the words that felt like an unforeseen bullet penetrating at my chest, right before hitting my heart.
Eventually, I drove to what I believe was a suitable place to rid of all the troubles a afternoon could offer. This place is a sanctuary, a nest and a home.

Rush.

There is this force field between us that I don't want to describe. It's this unfamiliar territory that we never ventured until now. A restless and rush relationship has calmed. Probably the opposite of a calm before a storm. Although, it's odd how it took so much of us to be back in first base. I mean, that's how I look at it. We're back to the beginning, right?

Still, I must admit I don't like it that much. I've realized far more than what meets my eyes, which I don't like. Let's just say, I'm more aware of my thoughts and you.

For the better, I don't want to do anything out of impulse. Also, I don't want to be so negligent towards my words only because it's one reason why we're redoing everything. Starting fresh, right? Even though, I'm so resistant to give myself to you. It's like, my right foot is ready to step in front but my left foot doesn't want to budge and stays planted on the ground.

But come on, who are we kidding? I mean, giving both our entire lives just like that then taking it away. I know some of it is my fault. I put us in this questioning realm where we just don't know what we thought we did. Then again, you did say the feeling never left. Sometimes, I doubt it you know. I do. I doubt myself. I feel more resistant now, more than before.