It could be worse, right?

My mind can't withstand what I did. I'm such a stupid individual. My heart can't take the fact that things changed. It lacks the initiative to do anything. At least anything that is good for it. I love and I grieve. I cannot withstand the pain. I feel like I'm living in a fantasy world. I want, need, and deserve what I already had. Why does it hurt so much? Why do I hurt so much? This pain, these tears, and the emotion relapses. I want it to all go away. I want the pain to go away. I want to not understand why I did what I did. But when it cuts so deep, you begin to fully be aware and completely understand. I hate that I understand the pain I'm going through. The actions I did because of the pain was too much for me to bare. Oh, but it only made it worse. I feel sadder. I feel like I've lost my soul. I feel like I substituted the pain for something worse. A monster. I am a monster to my eyes. I am an indecisive fool that'll probably leave you awing for nothing more. I am nothing more to you than a memory. To me, you are a painting that I'm willing to overview a thousand times because you always leave be breathless. It sounds so cliche but I love you. I always will. Regardless of the person you have become, I will love you. It hurts. This pain I feel when I am not even capable of viewing you. You are nothing but memory. Nothing but a soul that drifted away from my heart. It hurts. This pain. This memory. This once everything to me.